Today our first mission took us to M Burger, a minimalist fast food joint, at 5 W. Ontario. According to the Reader, M Burger is the Best Soundtracked Strawberry Shake.
Jessica Cohn of the Reader had this to say:
The staff—fantastically upbeat without being fakey—and background jams make it impossible to not have a good time when you stop by M Burger.
Upon entering M Burger, the music was barely noticeable over the hubbub of conversation from the eclectic crowd. A modernist matchbox of burger building, M Burger is a McDonald’s via Mies Van Der Rohe. (Dee notes that she “literally rubbed elbows with that guy.” It is a small joint.)
We experienced tandem panic attacks when we walked in. Without the ability to hear the bass bump, how could we judge if it was indeed the best soundtracked shake? After a series of relaxation techniques and a life-affirming fist fight, we moved forward. 
Arguably, the friendliest faces in food service greeted us at the counter. Dee tried to order a small shake and was told all shakes are the same size, but Simon, the cashier on duty, said they could pour out half and charge her for the whole, if she wanted. Everybody laughed, except Dee. Things were off to a shaky start. (Take a minute and let that pun sink in.)
M Burger’s black-and-white motif leaves nothing to distract customers from the business of burgers. No clowns, no vaguely racist colonels, and a refreshing dearth of yelling children. While we waited for our food, we strained to hear the remix of what was an Adele song or the dialogue of a Korean soap opera.
The dance pop soundtrack wasn’t easily heard, but there was a definite backing beat of pleasant and quick service. (This is the line that will make your mom and virgin aunt visit.)
We waited an eternity for our food (well, five minutes, but Dee is an angry drunk), so when it finally came we were ready. For Dee, a double cheeseburger ($4.29), and Katie the same in a single ($2.99). We both got shakes ($2.99 each)—Katie went with strawberry (per Cohn’s suggestion) and Dee (who dislikes strawberries and the idea of being an octogenarian) stuck with chocolate. Dee skipped out on fries ($1.99), a rookie mistake.
Cohn may think the strawberry shake is Mary Tyler Moore, but we all know she’s Rhoda. The burger is the star of the show. The fries are a little too salty and the chocolate shake a little too rich for our blood, but this burger is worth tattooing on your forearm—or on your upper thigh, for a secret lover’s surprise.
(It is worth noting that at one point, Dee growled and attempted to slap a man about the face and neck after he dared to order a chicken sandwich. She’s an angry drunk.)
The Loop is a terrible vortex in time and space where happiness goes to die and families from Wisconsin go to shop. That said, M Burger and its special, drippy, get-all-over-your-fingers-good sauce is worth a trip.
We’re just saying, maybe you have something to buy at Old Navy. Get yourself a burger, test the elastic in those khaki capris.
We told Simon we were blogging (it is hard to take casual and unnoticed photos in a place the size of a pygmie Winnebago) and asked him what music he would like to listen to while eating a burger. “Definitely ‘Apologize’ by Justin Timberlake,” he replied without hesitation. “We play it every morning when we open.”
Dee tactfully corrected his mistake: One Republic penned that hit.
“What you meant to say is that if Justin Timberlake did a remix, you would love it,” Dee told him. Smooth save, cowboy.
Then, Simon gave us an espresso shake on the house—au gratin, if you will—which contributed to our usual false sense of importance.
For the record: milkshake swag tastes delicious.
M Burger isn’t the Best Soundtracked Strawberry Shake. But it is worth a visit (or two).
(Full disclosure: We actually ate two burgers each— we bought extra burgers to eat on the couch, because we are those kind of people. And they are those kind of burgers.)
